I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I AM VODKA MAN
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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