Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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