in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
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