OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
