Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
