"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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