My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
