Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
vagina is talking i cant
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Randomize
