I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
She made me pour olive oil on her.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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