1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
