You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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