I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Randomize
