It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
