I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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