Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
