HIV tests are more positive than that guy
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize