plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
