Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
