yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
