Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
