It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
