finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
