Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize