you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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