I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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