You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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