Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
