you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm at about main and main street
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Liz is crying about burritos again.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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