i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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