Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize