just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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