i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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