Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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