How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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