so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
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