I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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