dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
