I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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