i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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