At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I think I just shit out all my problems.
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