hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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