Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
