Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
