my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
