we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
My vagina is very pro this idea
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
