You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
