Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
