I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
