Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize