I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
