Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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