I'm gonna have a badass scar
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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