It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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