got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
