She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
