I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
