I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
