so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
My vagina just clenched in fear
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
