Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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