Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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