He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize