YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Randomize
